Tip Sheet

Weird fiction piece by Clark Humphrey

10/30/89

When playing the “male” version of the video adventure game Adventure in Davenport, be sure to make love to the second woman who offers to, and then not to any subsequent women until this woman walks out on you. This woman’s mother is the judge you will face in the murder trial after your fight to the death with the evil Andrew, should you make it to that level. This judge must have the best possible opinion of you that you can give her.

When playing the “female” version, there are many ways to avoid the unwanted pregnancy that makes it so hard to traverse the tight passageways of the Underground Storage Zone. Contraceptive devices are available in the medicine cabinets of most (but not all) of the homes and businesses you will visit during the game. But be careful not to take too much time finding these cabinets, particularly if you are being chased by the thugs of Mistress Leona.

When hiding out in the hotel room of the rock group Inventory, do not type THROW TV OUT WINDOW. At least not until one of the band members throws something out the window first. Otherwise, you will have made a major breach of rock-fan etiquette, and the group will turn you over to the police immediately.

Even while playing the “mature” level of the game, graphics will not appear during any sex scenes. According to rumor, the game’s designers did create some terse (but “tasteful”) screens, which were cut at the last minute but still exist as normally-inaccessible data on Version 1.0a cartridges. The same rumors suggest that there is a command that will reveal these screens, a phrase suggested somewhere within the game’s texts. We have tried hundreds of combinations of commands, but nothing seems to work.

No matter how little money you have, at no point during the game should you ever accept a job from Mr. Lathe. No matter what Lathe’s offer (from “running a couple of errands” to “I’ll make you executive vice president”), you will be transferred two moves later, due to “staff efficiency requirements,” to a permanent job washing dishes in Lathe’s executive kitchen. Once there, you will waste move after move, trying to escape the kitchen only to have more dirty dishes shoved into your hands each time. There IS a way out, but it only reveals itself after 35 moves. On the 36th move, your next load of dishes will include a carving knife that can be used as a makeshift screwdriver to dismantle the window above the sink.

Try playing both the female and male versions, to compare notes about which characters are identical in each and which are replaced. This will help you know which opposite-sex characters are potential lovers/allies. For instance, “Sandy Otz” in the male version becomes “Andy Otz” in the female version. In both versions, however, this character will turn on you and lead you straight to the clutches of the Sinister Minister.

In the Office Cubicle Maze, it helps to move like a chess knight – two steps forward and one across – until you come to a workstation decorated with a wallet-size photo of Inventory’s lead singer. Typing SEARCH DESK will reveal an assortment of potentially-useful loot: A computer disk labeled THE GOODS, a box of the extremely rare Dietetic Miracle Candy, and a cassette labeled ULTIMATE ALL-TIME PARTY TAPE! in ball point. Go ahead and type TAKE DISK, TAKE CANDY and TAKE TAPE, but then be sure to then type PUT $20 ON DESK.

The Catholic women’s college is the same in both versions. It’s much easier to use it as a hide-out in the female version. Be sure not to act rowdy or let anyone see the tattoos you received from Madame Sucret, and you can pass for a graduate student. If you find yourself in one of the college dorms while playing the male version, DO NOT attempt to steal or wear women’s clothing. It will not work.

Since the game takes place in the year 1974, stealing the Sinister Minister’s clothes will not cause him to be arrested, only to be gawked at as a fun-loving “streaker.”

The Sinister Minister is immune to the effects of the Ultimate All-Time Party Tape, offers of bribes or sexual favors, or even the Mirror of Truth (knowing no shame, he does not fear the reflection of his true spirit). He is not immune, however, to the impact of a falling television set.