ALL I REALLY, REALLY NEEDED TO KNOW

I LEARNED ON THE PLAYGROUND

Weird fiction piece by Clark Humphrey

10/20/90

• Factual knowledge, by itself, matters very little on the asphalt.
• If a boy starts to like girls too soon,

  other boys will call him a faggot.

• Having rich parents doesn’t stop a kid from stealing;

  it does stop him from being punished.

• Leaky balls don’t bounce high or hard, but they’re much more fun to play with.
• The best candy bars are the ones that

  don’t have the most TV commercials for them.

• Navy blue clothes always look dumb.
• If you wear good clothes and wear them well,

  you can get away with almost anything.

• Authority figures are, at best, ill-informed.

  They will tell you that ignoring the bullies will make them stop;

  when you’ve already learned that it just makes them hit you worse.

• Last year’s cool toy is this year’s dull zone.
• If you’re the last one left when the teams are chosen

  in the first week of first grade,

  you’ll be the last one left when the teams are chosen

  in the last week of high school.

• People will kill you if your existence disturbs them,

  even if you’ve left them alone.

• Unlike evil cartoon characters, evil people don’t say, “I’m evil.”

  They say, “I’m so good, evil things become good things if it’s me doing them.”

• As soon as you’re old enough to do what the older kids are doing,

  they stop doing it and start saying it was stupid.

• The people who say they’re the coolest

  are just trying hard to find something to imitate.

• The most precious and expensive toy WILL break

  the first day you bring it to school.

• Nobody likes you very much if you’re too popular.
• If you don’t succeed at something, you’ll be accused of not having tried at all.
• You’re expected to whip the butts of other kids,

  just because they’ve been told to do it to you.

• Girls can be good in class and bad in sports and it’s still OK.
• Black people aren’t really like what white people think they’re like.
• Bullies don’t appreciate logical arguments.
• Society will tell you as little as possible about sex,

  but all you want to hear about homicide.

• Few children are as cherubic or as gullible as adults think they are.
• Many girls like to look at stolen porno magazines too.
• If somebody hits you and you scream, you’ll be punished for screaming.
• For girls, it’s what you are that’s considered important.

  For boys, it’s what you do.

• There are reasons to eat or drink something besides whether it tastes good.
• “Fuck” and “fucking” are the most versatile words in the English language.
• Smoking looks good, feels horrible, and makes you want to smoke again.
• Things that are supposed to make you feel good

  can really make you feel worse.

• You can tell yourself that a good dessert is better than bad friends,

  but it doesn’t really work.