Battle of the Stereotypes

Weird fiction piece by Clark Humphrey

11/20/90

It’s time for America’s newest and greatest game show: BATTLE OF THE STEREOTYPES!Two three-person teams battle it out to determine which side best lives up to the other’s expectations.

On my left: the MALE FANTASY LESBIANS! They’re tall! They’re thin! They wear high heels and expensive, fashionable clothes! They French-kiss each other and fondle each other’s tender shoulders at every opportunity. Their lipstick: Tourquoise. Their voices: Soft, yet assured. Their words: romantic little gems of wisdom. Their attitude: Total confidence in their beauty and in their love.

On my right: the LESBIAN FANTASY MALES! They’re short! They have Marine Corps haircuts! They wear soiled T-shirts and saggy jeans! Between their beer burps, they give each other long ideological arguments about the best ways to objectify women and to preserve The Patriarchy. Each of their hunting caps sports a patch: NRA, I (heart) Rape, and Death Penalty for Abortion.

Now you know the rules. I will ask questions of each team. Teams collect points for correctly guessing how the other team will answer. The team with the most points at the end of the game will win a fabulous trip to sunny Ecuador! But if, during the final cross-fire round, any member of a team starts to act like a human being, the other team automatically wins. You ready to play:

LFM Captain: We are in mastery of our desires and yours. We will always be on top!

MFL Captain: It is time. Goddess will guide us to the fulfillment of our goal.

LFM Team, in unison: Objectify! Objectify! Objectify!

MFL Team, in unison: Our love will prevail. Our love will triumph.