Planet Susan

Weird fiction piece by Clark Humphrey

6/17/92

Planet Susan is still called Planet Susan, years after the Susan it was named after left the man who named it. In her sixth year as co-colonizer, she conspired with the crew of the planet’s only regular supply ship to stow away, leaving behind a stack of used oxygen tanks equal to her weight and a note that is still famous today:

“I’ve had it with this godforsaken rock. I’ve had it with one-and-a-half gravity – and don’t you DARE say ‘one-point-four-seven-six to be precise’. I’ve had it with breathing synthesized oxygen and with drinking my own recycled and refiltered fluids. I’ve had it with having to wear this stupid temperature-controlled body suit any time I just want to get out of this high-tech trailer of a house they call a ‘controlled environment module.’ I’ve had it with the quote-unquote ‘special status’ of being the Only Woman on the Planet; all that means is that I have to ‘service’ your crew and the crews of the supply ships – though if you want to know the truth, there were the times I was glad I didn’t depend on you for sex. That would’ve been even more maddening. But you know what I’ve had it with the most? Do you? I’ve had it with you. With your crusading-explorer-boy attitude.”

Unfortunately for the man she left behind, once a planet, asteroid or natural satellite has been colonized and christened, its name is on the records and cannot be changed. This proved an insurmountable challenge to two of his next three wives, who left out of frustration. The third wife changed her own name to Susan and outlived him.