Stranger Moment One-Liners

Script for a proposed series of Stranger trade ads

with the local TV show Bombshelter Videos,

written 6/25/92 (some were videotaped; none aired)

Memo to Dan Quayle: We’re not laughing at traditional family values. We’re laughing at you.Lesbians are known to be tough, uncompromising, totally righteous. And the Army says those aren’t qualifications for a good soldier?

It’s time we realized: Seattle IS a major American city. It’s big and clumsy, but thinks it’s still little and cute. In cartoon terms, we’re the Baby Huey of cities.

If John McCaw’s so proud to be one of the new Mariner owners, why won’t he show his picture in the paper? Has he got really bad pimples or what?

Folks tell me they won’t vote for Clinton ‘cuz of his slick personality. Look: If you vote for a guy ‘cuz he’s got a winning charisma, you end up with Ronald Reagan.

How come every vegetarian I know smokes the highest-tar cigarettes you can get? Do they think they’re getting extra protein?

If you don’t vote, you’re doing exactly what the right wing wants you to do.

Somebody told me a racist joke, then tried to say it was just a parody of a racist joke. I asked him if he’d like a parody of a punch in the face.

They say Americans can’t accept the value of tragedy. Maybe that’s why when the Ridgemont theater turned porno, they changed the comedy-tragedy masks on the sign so they both smiled.

I’ve said it before, but I don’t waste my time laughing at the supermarket tabloids. The regular newspapers are a lot funnier.

If we published fewer poems about trees, we’d have more trees.

If God didn’t want guys to watch TV, he wouldn’t have shaped the corners of the picture tube like a woman’s shoulders.

The government doesn’t want us to have abortion rights or affordable health care. What do they want, lots of babies who all die off quickly?