Naked Women, What They Do
Weird fiction piece by Clark Humphrey
3/11/93
THINGS NAKED WOMEN ARE SHOWN DOING
- Lying around on beds
- Lying around on beaches
- Lying around on desert sand
- Lying around on patio furniture
- Lying around on rubber rafts
- Lying around in inner tubes in water
- Sitting on rocks beneath waterfalls
- Swimming
- Diving
- Jet-skiing
- Sitting in hot tubs and jacuzzis
- Applying tanning products
- Standing near wind machines
- Standing near rain machines
- Leaning against brick walls
- Leaning against old jukeboxes
- Lighting candles
- Standing, sitting and lying down in blinding white light
- Running across open fields
- Climbing mountains
- Cross-country skiing
- Snowmobiling
- Walking through the woods
- Lounging in haystacks in old barns
- Holding up birds, cats, and small dogs
- Riding horses
- Riding mechanical bulls
- Riding in the back seats of limos
- Straddling sawhorses
- Throwing bucketfuls of water at other naked women
- Tossing wet spaghetti at other naked women
- Embracing fully-dressed men
- Fucking men (or pretending to)
- Fucking women (or pretending to)
- Touching themselves
- Using vibrators
- Giving and receiving massages
- Groping mannakins and statues
- Standing in Paris parks painted as statues
- Wrestling with other naked women
- Performing light aerobic workouts
- Weight training
- Riding exercise bikes
- Playing volleyball
- Climbing rocks
- Ice skating
- Showering
- Bathing
- Trying on clothes
- Eating fresh fruit
- Drinking champagne
- Aping the poses of famous nude paintings and statues
- Staring haughtily/bored/blankedly at the camera
- Saying unprofound things
- Stripping on stage
- Table dancing
- Modern dancing (rock, R&B, disco, country)
- Ballet dancing
- Ethnic ritual dancing
- Performing rhythmic gymnastics
- Dancing, standing, and chanting during performance art pieces
- Pretending to play guitar
- Pretending to play flute
- Pretending to play piano
- Pretending to play violin
- Flying small airplanes
- Hang gliding
- Riding on the backs of motorcycles
- Sitting on parked motorcycles
- Sitting in the cabs of bulldozers and backhoes
- Standing on rising forklifts
- Washing cars
- Lying on top of cars
- Fixing cars
- Playing pool
- Running away from would-be molesters and jewel theives
- Riding in powerboats
- Sailboarding
- Surfing
- Swimming with dolphins
- Riding on the backs of killer whales
- Bicycling
- Writing letters
- Typing
- Posing for paintings
- Painting walls
- Painting pictures
- Painting themselves
- Wandering through gothic mansions
- Meditating
- Performing hatha yoga stretches
- Reading newspapers
- Pumping gasoline
- Standing on step ladders and lifeguard towers
- Rollerskating
- Posing inside kinetic sculptures
- Lying in concrete ditches
- Leaning against cyclone fences
- Picking flowers
THINGS I’D LIKE TO SEE NAKED WOMEN DOING
- Operating computer spreadsheet programs
- Cooking
- Kneading bread dough
- Eating cheeseburgers
- Presiding over corporate board meetings
- Performing standup comedy
- Squeezing oranges
- Drinking Ultra Slim-Fast
- Drinking beer
- Really playing musical instruments, especially tuba
- Singing the National Anthem
- Hauling furniture
- Printing
- Performing light assembly work
- Waiting in line at theaters
- Dining in fine restaurants
- Attending church
- Preaching
- Shopping
- Studying in the public library
- Directing and photographing movies
- Ballroom dancing
- Building houses
- Discussing deep philosophical issues
- Arguing politics in coffeehouses
- Running the government
THINGS NAKED WOMEN SHOULDN’T DO
