The Groupie in Winter

Weird fiction piece by Clark Humphrey

11/9/94

Claudienne Fisher (born simply Claudia; she told everybody she’d changed her name because it made a more positive numerological reading) was the acknowledged Empress of the Groupies in Seattle. Her name and reputation spread far and wide. Bands arranged their touring schedules to accommodate her periods. Her conquest list included most of the big names in the business, as well as scores of session musicians, roadies, hotel detectives, and theater personnel. Stars knew their careers were on the skids when Claudienne declined to show up backstage. Conversely, they knew their fortunes were rising the first time they were in town and saw Claudienne in her customary spot backstage, efficiently fending off the other local girls, shoving them aside, and presenting herself to the lead singer with her patented cut-the-courtship-crap-let’s-fuck-now stare.

Somewhere toward her self-imposed achievement point of 2,000 men, her magic began to falter. She was actually refused entrance backstage at some shows; at others, she’d present herself at the hotel or the band bus and receive only a polite handshake and autograph from the stars. At first she thought it was a matter of her getting old. She’d spent nearly half her 29 years as a human “All Access” badge, and the age difference between her and the newbie groupies kept getting bigger. She did stay in shape; she went religiously to her health club, ate a healthy macrobiotic diet, and laid off booze and pot when she wasn’t with a guy.

But as she saw younger, equally eager groupies also get turned away backstage, she began to realize something was truly amiss that had nothing to do with her. Her gossip-trained ears soon learned the scoop. These newer bands didn’t believe in groupies. They brought girlfriends and even wives along with them. Some of these females worked for their bus fare as roadies, tour managers, even as band members or as the leaders of their own bands. Claudienne admired this on one level, but on another level found she couldn’t identify with it. Her whole life had been based on being the radiant planet that shines from proximity to a star. She didn’t want to be a star herself. She was stuck, a relic of a passing era.

There was only one thing for her to do. As much as it disgusted her at first, she gave in and redefined herself as an oldies groupie. She regularly appeared at the Ballard Firehouse and Under the Rail, always ready to strike up renewed friendships with her favorite newly-clean-and-sober ’80s rockers.