Return with us now to Misc., the pop-cult column that found the cutest li’l picture book of classic poems about animals down at the Borders Books sale shelf, put out by an obscure Random House subsidiary really called Gramercy Books. Wonder what long-distance company they use?

THE BRIDE WORE BLACK: I’m fully supportive of the Gothic Singles Network, a new for-profit enterprise aiming to bring pale-skinned types together for mutual moping and potential groping. I just don’t wanna be around when they exchange rings…

JUNK FOOD OF THE WEEK: Trolli Swamp Stuff is a sour-hot lollipop imported from Spain, packed in a plastic wrapper combined with a modicum of “Sour Quicksand Powder.” Nasty, just the way I like it.

PUNTERS: The Seahawks, after way-losing seasons and declining attendance, want govt. subsidies, mostly for Kingdome improvements where we’d pay the costs and the team would get the profits, or they’ll threaten to move like the Mariners. It’s not just a jock thing, it has ramifications for public policy:

• (1) The GOP Sleaze Machine’s drive to move public assistance, environmental control and other operations to state and county levels is designed to increase this kind of socialism-for-business groveling, as localities compete to have the most “pro-business climate” by slashing social services and beefing up corporate giveaways.
• (2) This will, natch, result in a lower quality of life, a lower standard of living, and further demands that government spending be “unwasteful.” More public building projects will be designed with initial cheapness in mind, just like the Kingdome — or like the Municipal, Public Safety and City Light buildings, our own postwar-vintage Einstruzende Neubauten. Now there’s a move afoot to move those and other city offices into an underoccupied, bankrupt office tower, the same bldg. the Times did an extensive “Making Of” feature series about while it was being developed under the auspices of original Seahawks partner Herman Sarkowsky.

X MARK(ET)S THE SPOT: There’s an Internet newsgroup called alt.society.generation-x. Someone named Jody put up a message, claiming to be flying off to speak at some marketing convention in Amsterdam about “ads that target Generation X” and wanting newsgroup readers to report their favorite spots. As you’d imagine, it led to several indignant replies (“I am not a target market!”).

But it also generated several more lighthearted responses. One went, “How about the one that asks if you were thinking about your cat’s urinary tract health? How did they guess? They must be psychic.”

Or how about: “My favorite is the son on the phone with his mom (for Unisom) and right before he says, ‘I love you too,’ in a cranky voice he says, ‘Mom? Am I going to tell you to take something that isn’t safe?’ in the most patronizing voice. I want his mom to reach through the phone and smack him.”

Another wrote, “Definitely the Australian car wax dood. That infomercial got to me. I even went around dousing people’s car hoods with lighter fuel and setting it ablaze. I should be off probation in a year or so.”

And finally, “I like the audience-reaction ones for movies. Especially the one for Die Hard with a Vengeance where they have one group of chiyx saying ‘Yipee’ and then a group of middle-aged people saying ‘kai’ and then a group of token ethnic people saying ‘yay’ and then a group of precious grade schoolers saying ‘motherfucker!'”

As for me, the ads that attract my attention (though not my wallet) include:

• (1) Products endorsed by fictional, trademarked motion picture characters (if you can’t trust a guy in Batvinyl or the Pink Ranger, who can you trust?);
• (2) Products endorsed with “classic rock” (when the Byrds’ “Turn Turn Turn” was used to advertise Time, I almost forgot the song was partly written to protest a war Time supported);
• (3) Incessant, aggressive hype, especially if tied into exploitations of snowboarding culture; and
• (4) Hip-hop dress, slang or style used by retailers who won’t open a store anywhere near an inner city.

WORD-O-THE-WEEK: “Foison”