THE NYC-BASED KOZMO.COM was in the news a couple weeks ago when its Seattle division started firing delivery people and other workers if they refused to submit to background checks. The balking employees called the checks an unfair inveasion of their privacy. Management of Kozmo (which delivers videos, CDs, bestselling books, and fast foods to most of Seattle, and is preparing to branch into costlier goods) says it’s a necessary security measure.

I say the company could have avoided the bad vibes and the bad press. Instead of sicking private eyes on lowly delivery dudes, it could instead have them submit the following Kozmo Quiz:

• Your deliveree is a physically attractive person of your favorite gender, who appears to be home alone. Which would you do?
  

  A. Deliver the ice cream and Three Tenors CD, then continue your route.

  B. Ask if the person will be free when you get off work.

  C. Invite yourself in to re-enact scenes from Last Tango In Paris.

  D. Remember the address for future stalking purposes.

• You note quite a number of condoms, Ricky Martin CDs, and show-tune videos being delivered to a prominent male politician whose public policies you despise. Which would you do?
  

  A. Ignore the information.

  B. Snicker about it quietly with trusted friends.

  C. Report it anonymously to The Stranger’s gossip page.

  D. Plan your blackmail demands.

• You’re delivering a CD by a teen-dream pop singer you loathe. The woman at the door tells you it’s a gift for her preteen daughter. Which would you do?
  

  A. Hand over the merchandise, no questions asked.

  B. Hand over the merchandise, but slip in a demo tape by your own (much more progressive) rock band.

  C. Lecture the mother about the dangers of subjecting an impressionable child to such mindless pap.

  D. Anonymously report the mother to Child Protective Services.

• They won’t let you off work long enough to grab a pair of Ozzfest tickets before they’re sold out. Which would you do?
  

  A. Forget about it and hope Ozzy will tour again next summer.

  B. Arrange to be “stuck in traffic” during the noon hour.

  C. Arrange for a “sudden family emergency” during the noon hour.

  D. Bribe the ticket clerk with all the frozen pizzas he can eat.

• An acquaintance offers to hire you to deliver pot to his friends, using your legitimate delivery job as a cover. Which would you do?
  

  A. Scold him about the dangers of drug use.

  B. Respectfully turn him down.

  C. Accept the offer.

  D. Accept the offer, and additionally offer to throw in a customer’s favorite munchies.

• You suspect a deliveree is making and selling illegal copies of the music and/or movies you deliver. Which would you do?
  

  A. Report your suspicions to the proper authorities.

  B. Keep your big trap shut.

  C. Ask for kickbacks in exchange for your silence.

  D. Offfer to slip them the new Matchbox 20 disc a week before the official release date.

• A driver cuts you off in traffic, giving you the finger as he passes you. The next day, you make a delivery and he answers the door. Which would you do?
  

  A. Let the anger pass, and continue your deliveries.

  B. Identify yourself to him and constructively suggest more courteous driving habits.

  C. Identify yourself to him and give him a piece of your mind.

  D. “Mistakenly” give him My Little Pony: The Movie instead of the Eyes Wide Shut tape he ordered.

• Your deliverees keep requesting movies the company doesn’t stock. Which would you do?
  

  A. Pass their request on to the management.

  B. Ignore them.

  C. Tell them you can get a copy for them, in exchange for certain sexual favors.

  D. Tell them you can get a copy for them, in exchange for certain sexual favors, but then instead give them My Little Pony: The Movie.

• You’re delivering an “R” rated movie. A teenage male answers the door. No adults are apparently home. Which would you do?
  

  A. Respectfully decline to hand over the tape, unless someone with valid ID can sign for it.

  B. Vocally chew him out over his attempt to put one over on you.

  C. Slip him the tape, if he promises not to tell.

  D. Advise him how far he should fast-forward for the really hot scenes.

• You’re stopped for speeding on your motorcycle while making a delivery. Which would you do?
  

  A. Accept the ticket, and duly report the incident to your superiors.

  B. Accept the ticket, but don’t tell your superiors.

  C. Accept the ticket, but make up for the loss by reporting a couple of “stolen” videos.

  D. Tell the cop that the Internet has no use for government interference, just before you speed away.

Scoring:

Each “A” answer is worth four points.

Each “B” answer is worth three points.

Each “C” answer is worth two points.

Each “D” answer is worth one point.

Totals:

34-40: What are you doing delivering frozen pizzas and rental copies of Next Friday? You’re so honest, you could be in the Secret Service, protecting the next President of the United States.

26-33: You’re honest enough to be trusted with Kozmo merchandise, yet dishonest enough to make good driving time delivering it.

18-25: You possess a valuable combination of superficial trustworthiness and deep-down duplicity. You shouldn’t be delivering goods on behalf of a dot-com. You should be running your own dot-com, collecting dough from day-trading speculators based on dubious business models.

10-17: What are you doing delivering frozen pizzas and rental copies of Next Friday? You’re so dishonest, you could be the next President of the United States.

TOMORROW: An odd night on the town.

ELSEWHERE:

• “As it’s generally used and encountered, video is either in ‘sell’ mode (snazziness and production values = you’re being sold) or ‘reality’ mode (no professionalism = truth)….”