Favorite Videos and Worst Job
by guest columnist Ryan
(ED.’S NOTE: One of the email lists I’m on had a topic thread last month, in which members posted the books they’d least likely let anyone borrow. Thanks to the well-known factor of topic drift, that led to people listing their favorite videos. Ryan [last name redacted at his request] went a step further and added an additional topic-drift step, as printed by permission below.)
Delivered-To: clark@speakeasy.org
Reply-To: [email address redacted]
From: “Ryan” [email address redacted]
To: wallace-l@waste.org
Subject: RE: wallace-l: Top Videos/Degrading Job
Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2000 10:03:11 -0500
X-Priority: 3 (Normal)
Importance: Normal
Sender: owner-wallace-l@waste.org
TOP VIDEOS:
Apocalypse Now
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
Dazed and Confused
The Usual Suspects
Kids
The Harder They Come
…and anything by Stanley Kubrick (esp. 2001)
MOST DEGRADING JOB:
Feel free to disregard this, but I must vent.
I worked for a company called DSMax. They call themselves an advertising and marketing firm. They are lying. I could probably write a book about what was horrible about this job, but here’s a handy list instead.
1. 4:45 a.m. Wake up, shower, put on mandatory shirt and tie.
2. 5:45 a.m.-7 a.m. Commute 1.25 hours to DSMax branch office in Norristown, PA.
3. 7 a.m.-9 a.m. Engage in motivational cheering sessions and spirit-building exercises with fellow “representatives.” (“Where we going?” “To the top!” “WHERE WE GOING?” “TO THE TOP!” “When?” “Now!” “When?” “Now!” “WHEN WHEN WHEN?” “NOW NOW NOW!!!” And other humiliations too numerous and depraved to list. Let me just say there was “hand jive” involved.) Listen in quiet horror as co-workers enthusiastically discuss pro wrestling/soap operas/fanatical, cultish commitment to DSMax/plans for all the money they’ll make once they get promoted to branch manager. Take note of surprising number of co-workers who’ve quit since you started. Envy them.
4. 9 a.m. Commute back to Philadelphia in order to walk door-to-door in the run-down ghetto business districts of West Philly. In December. Peddling long-distance phone service to local small business owners (i.e. hair salons, corner stores, dive bars (people drinking straight vodka at 10 a.m.), garages, endless parade of delis and other shithole restaurants, etc.) Do this until 5 p.m. Return to “office” (really just one large rumpus room) during rush hour.
4a. Locate potential client (e.g., sucker). Check soul at door. “Pitch.” Trudge, defeated, out door OR (rarely) attempt have customer sign multiple contracts and make multiple phone calls to complete sale. Trudge
forlornly out door when customer informs you that he/she “don’t have time for this shit.”
5. 6 p.m. Return to office. Ring small bell, large bell, or gong, according to your sales performance for the day. Calculate commission. Choke back tears at realization that commission will not pay rent and there is NO BASE PAY. Gather round for another session of cheering and practice pitching (just follow your five steps and your eight steps!–DSMax’s keys to success, in addition to trite little coffee mug aphorisms and the sort of pithy acronyms that Judge Judy would find clever: KISS–“Keep It Simple Stupid”). Fend off barrage of entreaties by over-zealous co-workers to attend post-work DSMax get-togethers at nearby Applebee’s.
6. 8 p.m. Return home. Microwave taste-free/nutrition-free food because you are too tired, beaten to cook. Complain to sig. other.
7. 9 p.m. Pass out on couch in front of mindless television.
8. 1 a.m. Wake up on couch. Get up and go to actual bed. Cry self back to sleep.
9. Repeat steps 1-8.
I lasted five weeks. I probably made a total of $1,500.
A part of me died that I will never get back.
TOMORROW: Unionizing a dot-com, an impossible dream?
REMEMBER: It’s time to compile the highly awaited MISCmedia In/Out List for 2001. Make your nominations to clark@speakeasy.org or on our handy MISCtalk discussion boards.
ELSEWHERE:
