Singles to Jingles

by guest columnist Charlotte Quinn

IN THIS WACKY WORLD, TV ads create the music hits.

The radio stations wouldn’t touch Sting’s new album, but suddenly got bombarded with requests for his new song after the Jaguar commercial aired. So now we have greedy and artless ad execs chosing our records for us (rather than greedy and artless radio producers).

Then there is Moby, who deserves brief mention, since he sold every song on his album Play to advertisers. The Chemical Brothers sold out to Nike, but most horrible of all is, of course, the old Nair commercial that some how got the rights to “Short Shorts.”

This leaves us with the obvious question: Is there any dignity left?

I wonder if it has anything to do with 100 TV channels, or the MTV generation, or the gradual coorporate overtake of the music industry, or… oh whatever! Truth is, when this generation gets older, our favorite songs, the anthems of our generation, will be fuel for Rolaids, Paxil, and feminine itch products.

Here are some possible ads we may see in the future:

• Britney Spears, “Oops, I Did It Again”: Adult diapers.
• Nirvana, “Come As You Are”: Viagra.
• Jay-Z, “Can I Get A…”: Visa (“Whoop whoop” will be replaced with “Gold card”).
• Quarterflash, “I’m Gonna Harden My Heart”: Anti-diarrhea medicine (“Heart” replaced by the word “Stool”).
• Ben Folds Five, “She’s a Brick and I’m Drowning Slowly”: Anti-constipation medicine.
• No Doubt, “Don’t Speak”: Hallmark (“Don’t tell me cause it hurts” replaced by “Say it with Hallmark cards”).
• Ramones, “I Wanna Be Sedated”: Bladder-control medication (much better than the “Gotta Go” jingle).
• Mudhoney, “Touch Me, I’m Sick”: Paxil, the social anxiety disorder pill.
• PiL, “Rise”: Microsoft (“May the road rise with you” replaced by “Where do you wanna go today?”).
• Coldplay, “Yellow”: Ultra Brite toothpaste (“Look at my teeth, look how they shine for you… Yeah, they’re not yellow”).
• Sheryl Crowe, “You Oughta Know”: Ford (“Know” replaced by “Own… (a Ford truck)”).
• Blink 182, “What’s My Age Again?”: Erectile-dysfunction medication.
• Prince, “Little Red Corvette”: Dentu Grip denture adhesive (“Little red Corvette, baby you’re much too fast” replaced by “A little Dentu Grip, baby it sticks so fast”).
• Eminem, “Slim Shady”: Norelco Slim Lady shaver (“…All you other slim shavers are just imitatin”).
• Soundgarden, “Black Hole Sun”: Hemorrhoid medicine.
• Madonna, “Papa Don’t Preach”: Clorox bleach (song becomes a plea from daughter to father not to over-wash the clothes, “preach” replaced by “bleach”).
• Sir Mix-A-Lot, “Baby Got Back”: Ford (“I like big butts” replaced by “I like big trucks”).
• ‘N Sync, “Bye Bye”: The Bon Marche (word “Bye” replaced with “Buy” and “Day-O” gets a rest).
• Assorted Artists, “We Are the World”: Coke (all the actual artists (still living) will perform it, replaceing, “We are the children” with “We are the Coke drinkers”).
• U2, “Bloody Sunday”: Motrin, menstrual cramp relief.
• Tears for Fears, “Shout”: Shout stain remover (“Shout, shout, get it all out, these are the stains we can live without…”).
• Moby, “Trouble”: Roto Rooter, Desinex for jock itch and athletes foot, and Gynolotrimin (they are the only ones left who haven’t bought it yet).