“Have a moisted weekend! (April 30 to May 3)This weekend is all about taking it into low gear going out, but maybe upping the attention on personal appearance just a touch. For instance, your feet. Are they a nasty shade of tallow white with yellow toenails? Maybe it’s time you got a pedicure. You can’t wear boots all year round. (Please don’t). Anyway, take a long draw from your favorite beverage, get yourself moisted, because it’s going to be a fabulous, fun weekend.

By the way, I’m thinking that FREE is really in right now, so this week’s column is going to be devoted to free and cheap.

FRIDAY, APRIL 30: It’s your last chance to party it up right this April, so here’s an idea. (This next one I cribbed from Mike Nipper at the Stranger, who, if you’re a usual reader of my column, you realize is the cutest, most unavailable, somewhat androgynous writer this side of the Rockies. And he’s got good taste).

‘WOGGLES, GIRL TROUBLE, LOS PELIGROSOS (Fun House): Fuck YEAH! I swear, even though they’ve been beset by the tragic loss of their ace ax man George Holton (AKA Mister Montague), the Woggles have rebounded respectfully and gracefully and have been workin’ some of that sweet, fine Wogglin’ ass right the hell off! And dammit if the Woggles don’t always impress me, not so much for their fucking ace of a stage performance… which is heavenly… but for their cool, always clean and perfectly executed, sweat drippin’ ‘n’ riff rippin’ ’60s-style garage rock. And, by the way, their latest LP, Ragged but Right, is a damn fine testimony, Woggle style!’

The only problem with this show is that it’s at the Fun House, which is basically Zak’s. That place was gross. I’m not sure how I feel about its reincarnation. If you’ve been there, email me and tell me whether I should check it out.

Another idea is to see a fun show at Patti Summers (great place for the first day of summer!) Blank Its are having a record release party there, and will be joined by the Dead Vampires, Leatherboy, $5, 21+. This show has the advantage of being close to Le Pichet and The Alibi Room, both of which are great places to whet your whistle.

SATURDAY, MAY 1: Despite what calendars say, May 1 always feels like the beginning of summer. You crave freshness. So, check out DJ Superjew (Marianne)’s opening (sounds like it’s FREE):

Pattern vs Happenstance opens Saturday May 1 7-11pm at the Black Lab Gallery (4216 6th Ave NW at Leary in Ballard) Show runs May 1-24. **also starring Dawn Cerny, Tory Franklin, David Herbert, DW Burnam, others… see http://www.sublevelthree.com for more info.

You’ll also want to go to Linda’s anytime in the evening (at least by 7:45 p.m.). Besides the usual patio and pool fun, there’s a birthday party for this really great guy named Paul who works for the Stranger whose last name I can’t ever remember. Anyway, you probably know him. If not, I’m sure you guys would get along great (he’s very loveable).

Lastly, I hope to end up at a ‘monumental’ brit-pop night at Mulleady’s Pub (on Dravus St.; 9p.m.-2a.m.; free; 21+). The host, Coulter, claims he has rare Morrissey for us. For those of you who drink Guiness, this would seem to be the night for it.

Just so you know, if you’re in LA this weekend, don’t bother w/ Coachella. Apparently that is not the thing to do. The thing to do would be to go to the SMELL (one of my favorite clubs in LA) to see Old Time Relijun. They are from Olympia and for someone who isn’t really into that whole Olympia thing, I really like this band.
SUNDAY, MAY 2 at 10:00pm, episode one of DOOMED PILOT will air on channel 27 (the pubic access station). Per Christian, ‘Doomed Pilot is a half-hour collection of short experimental film and video curated by yours truly, featuring work by Jon Behrens, Sebastian Del Castillo, Ryan Adams, William Weiss, and  crimsonclover- essentially a who’s who of bed-wrecking cinematic pretentiousness.’

Who could resist that?! I hear there may be a screening party. Drop me a line if interested and I’ll see what I can do. slowdiva@yahoo.com

MONDAY, MAY 3: OF MONTREAL, THE MINDERS, TERRENE (Sunset). Elephant 6 is still so cool, and it’s a nice little venue. Let’s go, shall we? It’s only $7. That beats the pants off of Snow Patrol at the Croc for $12. Come ON, Croc. Ever hear of capitalism? It’s based on competition for people’s cash. Might want to try it sometime.

Whatever you do, have a great time. And don’t drink and drive with disgusting yellow toenails. If you’re going to run the risk of going to jail and wearing those jail flip-flops, you need to get your nails done.

Love, Heather

P.S.:  For those of you who think “moisted” is not a word:

MOISTED, a. Made moist. Also (occas.): that moistens. 1549-62 T. STERNHOLD & J. HOPKINS Whole Bk. Psalms cxvi. 8 Thou hast deliuered… my moisted eien from mourneful teares. (Thanks, Catleah).