FROM MY FREELANCE work for Everything Holidays, here are some last-minute Xmas gift ideas. MISCmedia takes no responsibility if anything breaks the first time it’s used, or if your beloved takes one look at the gift and decides you’re getting nothing next year.

• Y2K survival kit. Let dad take charge of keeping the family safe during any coming catastrophes. This $16 novelty gift “contains everything you need to protect yourself and your family (a squirt gun), start your own food supply (sunflower seeds), find a water source (forked twig) and other whimsical survival gear.”
• Electronic Whoopie Cushion ($19.95). Remote-controlled little sound box that emits a variety of embarrassing noises. “Place behind chair, couch, etc. and remotely emit the funniest sounds around!”
• Wee-Bot Family ($99). A grownup “Twirple” and two kids named Bop and Zop arrive in their own space ship. “They’ll chatter to each other and attempt to communicate with you in their exotic language of beeps, burps, whimpers and squeals.”
• Q Ball ($39.95). Sort of like a hi-tech version of the classic Magic 8 Ball. It lights up, makes funny sounds when you shake it, and tells you the answer to your question in a variety of funny voices.
• Sarcastic Ball ($7.95). If the good old Magic 8 Ball doesn’t give you the answers you want, this warped imitation may frustrate you even more. Responses include “Yeah Right,” “In Your Dreams,” and “Dumb Question.” The more positive-minded might prefer the Affirmation Ball, with a yellow “smiley face” design and such responses as “Your Breath Is So Minty.”
• Dork Set ($11.95). Show that brainiac big brother what you really think of him with a “computer voodoo doll, one pair of bottle-bottom-thick Nerd Glasses, and assorted flavors of chewy and delicious Dork Candy.”
• Boogey Ball ($35.99). You don’t bounce or catch this ball, but it still makes you move quickly. “Rotate the ball to the rhythmic beat, and race flashing green lights to capture yellow lights, escape from red ones, and repeat patterns.”
• My Pal 2000 ($59.99). A play-friend who never has to go home for supper. He walks, talks, plays games and sports, and his brain lights up when he’s “thinking.”
• WCW Tuff Talkin’ Wrestlers ($34.95). Finally, a merchandiser figured out that the pseudo-sport of pro wrestling isn’t about the moves or the stunts anymore–it’s about the trash talk (and related skits) before and after the “matches.” This package gives you talking figures of Goldberg and Kevin Nash (top stars in the WCW traveling circus). “Both come alive when they stare each other down and speak to one another–complete with moving lips!”
• Roboxing Fighters ($34.99). You control these elegantly designed “automated pugilists”) with a wired remote to “re-create agile, lifelike punching action.” Learn the intricacies of the sport without losing any teeth.
• Door Pass ($19.99). One electronic device the daughter will find completely useful. “Attach it to your door and if an intruder tries to enter your room the Door Pass will sense the movement and ask for a password. If a snooping brother or curious sister can’t replicate the sound of your voice saying your password, an alarm will sound.”
• Mooing Rare Steak ($29.95). “When someone opens the refrigerator door, this plastic steak will moo like a real live cow.”
• Millennium Princess Edition Barbie ($32.99). She wears a fancier-than-fancy blue and silver gown with a matching tiara and earrings, and holds a plastic ornament with a “Happy New Year 2000” ribbon. Not under any circumstances to be confused with the “Y2K Barbie,” a nonexistent model depicted in a satirical web page (wearing survivalist camouflage and holding a rifle).
• The Christmas Pole. Minimalist decoration for the no-nonsense bachelor. A nine-inch aluminum pole with strings of LED lights and a plastic star on top, for just $32.50.

TOMORROW: Is indie film on a comeback?

ELSEWHERE:

• Now at Hallmark: Cat ornaments with real cat fur! (found by Obscure Store and Reading Room)….
• If federal arts funding dries up, we could still build museums like this….
• “Emergency notice: The makers of Glade have apparently changed formulas, and it is no longer explosive….”