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MONETIZE ME! (PART 2)
May 10th, 2011 by Clark Humphrey

As promised a week or so back, here is the second installment of Monetize Me!, my search for something to do for money. This installment is in the form of simple logical statements.

  1. I need a living wage.
  2. Local freelance journalism and little local books don’t supply this.
  3. It’s not just me. Others with far better self-selling skills are also finding freelance writing to be well nigh impossible as a career.
  4. Yet when I explain my situation to well-meaning friends and acquaintances, both online and in person, they invariably suggest “cool” new writing topics, without any idea how, or to whom, these works could be sold. (“I know! You could write about….”)
  5. Suggesting “more of the same” won’t do the trick, because the same isn’t working for me.
  6. Yet many of you know me only from these works, and imagine them to be the whole of my identity. Some of you see me as “A Writer” a lot more strongly than I do.
  7. But I can do other things. Many other things. This series of posts will explore them.
  8. Before we go any further, an additional clarification: Money is the ONLY ultimate goal of this endeavor. Not “exposure.” Not web hits. Not publicity for the low-earning things I already do. I need actual monetary income. Get it? Good.
NO, YOU’RE NOT SUPERIOR. YES, SUBURBANITES HAVE SOULS TOO.
May 10th, 2011 by Clark Humphrey

Change a few of the nouns turn a couple of other parts sideways, and this Richard Cohen essay deriding “the myth of American exceptionalism” could easily be used against the myth of “alternative culture” exceptionalism.

IT WASN’T JUST FOX
May 10th, 2011 by Clark Humphrey

Lots of media outlets, even the BBC, did the whole Obama/Osama confusion thang last week.

MY NEWEST OUTLET
Apr 25th, 2011 by Clark Humphrey

An edited, improved version of my snarky li’l manifesto piece from earlier this month became my first contribution to Crosscut.com. That’s the local punditry site founded by original Seattle Weekly publisher David Brewster.

It was up for just a few hours when all of Crosscut went down, a victim of last week’s Amazon “cloud computing services” crash.

But it’s up now. And it’s got a lively comment thread.

THIS WEEK’S GOOD NEWS, PART 1
Apr 15th, 2011 by Clark Humphrey

Some time within the next few days, something by me should be up at Crosscut.com. As you may recall, that’s the nonprofit local news n’ punditry site started by original Seattle Weekly publisher David Brewster. I’ll let you know when.

ATTITUDE, SCHMATTITUDE
Apr 5th, 2011 by Clark Humphrey

Joanna White at (the formerly locally based) Slate.com sees Charlie Sheen’s public meltdown (which I still believe he’d at least partly contrived, as a stunt to get out of his TV contract) as a sign of hope.

White wishes “mean sitcoms” with their insult gags and mutual-deprecation-society casts would go away. She would like the probable end of Two and a Half Men to portend the whole sub-genre’s oblivion.

I’m not so sure it’ll happen.

There’s at least one cable half-channel (Adult Swim) whose “humor” is built entirely around inhumanity. Perhipheral characters suffer and die violent deaths, and the main characters shrug it off with a quickie one-liner.

And since even cheapo Flash-based animation has a long production lead time, even a sudden sea change in the public ethos won’t end those shows very soon. Though it could render them fatally unhip.

UPDATE #1: Matt Zoller Seitz at Salon.com suggests a reason for all the current TV series centered around the celebration of aggressive, obnoxious, middle-aged, alpha-male “heroes.” Seitz sez it’s because that’s the psychological profile of all the studio and network bosses in charge of greenlighting the shows, the guys to whom the shows’ creators and producers must suck up.

UPDATE #2: In Stephen Battaglio’s excellent biography David Susskind: A Televised Life, producer Leonard Stern (Susskind’s associate on Get Smart! and He & She, and coincidentally also the creator of the Mad Libs books) is quoted as saying pro-social comedy’s a lot harder to write than insult comedy:

A comedy based on love—and I really believe this one [He & She] was—is harder to sell and harder to sustain…. Why? I don’t know. But comedy writers generally can do deprecating humor much more readily and easily than they can humor that is loving and caring.

THE KING AND I
Jan 3rd, 2011 by Clark Humphrey

I’ve been recruited into singing at this year’s Seattle (Elvis) Invitationals. The annual impersonation (or “tribute artist”) competition takes place this Saturday evening, Jan. 8, at Club Motor, 1950 1st Ave. S.

It will be my first singing in a public, non-karaoke setting in at least a decade.

Unlike many of the Invitationals’ entrants, I’m no professional tribute artist. I don’t expect to win this thing. I’m just in it for the show-biz-ness of it all.

Be there if you dare.

FIG ‘SPEWMANS’
Oct 15th, 2010 by Clark Humphrey

If you love political snark and the vilifying of easy big-boy targets as much as I do, you’ll love “Stop Spewman.” It’s a series of Web ads starring Jack Black as your ultimate astroturfy corporate shill (not that he has to exaggerate very much to make the shtick look ludicrous).

THE WORLD OF TOMORROW, YESTERDAY!
Jul 20th, 2010 by Clark Humphrey

As a lifelong Seattle World’s Fair nerd, you know I love geeky pictorial presentations about the wonderful world that awaited us in the 21st Century. Today I have some thing different. The nostalgia site SquareAmerica.com has slides from an IBM business-to-business promo presentation about the near future of business computing, in 1975.

Note the date. This is the exact final year in which big mainframe computer complexes, and the companies that sold and maintained them, could realistically see themselves as the center of the data processing universe. The first true home computers came along the next year. By 1980, IBM was had authorized a fast-track project to develop the first IBM PC, midwifing MS-DOS along the way.

But in 1975, Big Iron still ruled. And the folk behind that Big Iron knew where the future lay. It lay with connecting mainframes and networking compatible databases.

In a word: ONLINE.

Hey, they were at least right about that part.

THE BITTEREST SPILL, ADDENDUM
Jun 5th, 2010 by Clark Humphrey

When I recently listed some things that may want to change their names for the sake of changing their initials, I forgot all about the BP. department at Nordstrom (formerly The Brass Plum).

THE PRESCIENCE OF MISCmedia
Jun 5th, 2010 by Clark Humphrey

The day after I suggested finding a new name (hence new initials) for “batting practice,” the Class A Brevard County Manatees renamed “BP” to “hitting rehearsal.”

THINGS THAT NEED NEW NAMES (OR AT LEAST INITIALS)
Jun 4th, 2010 by Clark Humphrey

  • Batting practice.
  • Blood pressure.
  • Boiling point.
  • Butt plugs.
  • Beatrix Potter.
  • Banco Popular.
  • Bi-Polar disorder.
  • Bryant Park.
  • Beer pong.
  • Block parties.
  • Boston Pizza.
25 YEARS OF CINEMA IN 3 MINUTES
Apr 8th, 2010 by Clark Humphrey

Our ol’ UW Daily colleague Jim Emerson has found a snarky fake movie trailer that perfectly encapsulates a “generic movie based on the movie they’ve been
releasing every single week since the 1980s.”

ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES
Mar 9th, 2010 by Clark Humphrey

Thanks to kind reader Manuel W., I’ve learned some reality TV producer and part-time “undercover rap phenomenon” (i.e., a white dude in Brooklyn) has named his production company “Miscellaneous Media.”

Do not confuse that outfit with this, your one and only genuine original MISCmedia, providing the finest in verbal contemplations and brusque putdowns since that other dude was still rhyming milk-milk-lemonade.

A DEVELOPER IN NEED (INDEED?)
Mar 7th, 2010 by Clark Humphrey

lorig aid sign

There was a bizarre little bake sale in Belltown this past Wednesday. It takes a little explaining.

Real estate mogul Bruce Lorig fired his only African American female employee after eleven years on the job. She sued, claiming racial discrimination and harassment. She joined up with the Seattle Solidarity Network, a local activist group, to publicize her cause.

Lorig countersued her, and sued Seattle Solidarity to prevent the group from publicly criticizing him.

In response, Seattle Solidarity put up flyers claiming Lorig had to really be in bad fiscal shape if he has to go around trying to drum up cash from his own ex-worker. Hence, the snarky “Lorig Aid.”

It was held in front of Lorig’s First Avenue offices. Seattle Solidarity members “sold” donuts and cupcakes and sang a little folk ditty:

So won’t you please help Bruce Lorig

He has fallen on hard times

He has to sue his former secretary

So won’t you spare a dime

lorig aid 2

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