101 Mona Lisas:

A Variety of Female Smiles for the Actress or Caricaturist

Fiction piece by Clark Humphrey

7/23/97

• The slightly confused yet totally happy glare upon eating ice cream for the first time
• The restrained, pseudo-modest giggle upon sharing a dirty joke with a girlfriend in the presence of the girlfriend’s mom
• The beaming, catty grin upon being told a particularly juicy joke by one’s manicurist
• The teeth-grinding fake fake smile upon listening to the most stuck-up girl in school boast about how great a lay her football-star boyfriend is
• The absolutely-not-guilty satisfied juice-lapping smirk upon completing a boyfriend-stealing blow job to the football star
• The satisfied shriek upon seeing the most stuck-up girl in school spitting in one’s face
• The sigh of relief at the end of the first day on the job
• The wearier sigh of relief at the end of the second day on the job
• The wearier-still sigh of relief at the end of the 253rd day on the job
• The enthusiastic faked response to a joke told by a man with money
• The simple, content nod upon marrying a man with money
• The less simple, equally content nod upon leaving a man with money
• The scornful, yet not really unhappy, laugh upon responding to the man-with-money’s divorce attorney’s first offer
• The unplanned exclamation of hope and fascination upon being introduced to a man with perfect hair
• The almost painful, involuntary gaggle upon being mercilessly tickled in bed by the man with perfect hair
• The almost painful, involuntary rapture upon being expertly licked in bed by the man with perfect hair
• The ambiguous, wistful pondering upon seeing a “plus” sign on a pregnancy test
• The not-embarrassed-at-all snort of faked surprise upon having wedding cake shoved in one’s face by the man with perfect hair
• The innocent, joyful glee upon nursing a baby
• The forced, embarassed participation in group giggles upon suddenly having to clean up a diaper accident while hosting company
• The smug, we-are-not-amused greeting to one’s daughter’s horny, completely inadequate teenage boyfriend
• The letting-loose howl upon rounding the last slope, completely unaware of the stray snowboarder just ahead
• The relieved sigh upon feeling the painkillers starting to work for the last time