Real Girlfriend

Fiction fragment by Clark Humphrey

4/11/99

In the ever-market-segmenting world of nudie magazines, “reality” had become the fad of the moment. One year, a new magazine promised only “real” breasts. The next year, another new magazine promised only “real” women (i.e., supposed “amateurs” instead of professional models).So it should not have come as a surprise to any industry observer when Real Lover appeared with its pictorials of models who looked like women the magazine’s readers actually stood a chance of dating.

The magazine’s chief feture was the “First Night” pictorial, in which the camera took the point of view of a man about to consummate a relationship with the model.

The editors spares no effort to come up with photo-caption quotations the model might be expected to say in a real pre-sex environment.

“No, no. Not the hair.”

“That’s not my clit.”

“That’s not it either.”

“Nope. Still not there.”

“I SAID, not the hair.”

“Don’t bite me.”

“Well, OK, but not where it’s going to show.”

“Ah. That’s the spot. Now lick slowly. No, not that fast.”

“I hope you don’t mind sharing the bed with Clio. She has the run of the house.”

“To tell you the truth, Clio was supposed to have gotten declawed last week but my car broke down and I couldn’t get to the vet’s that day.”

“If you can do it again, I’ll give you a cookie.”

“I hope you don’t mind but I’ve got an important meeting at 8 I’ve got to get dressed for. So let’s just get you in a cab, OK?”