…many things. Not among them are cutesy-poo “dignified” new neighborhood names.

Unless, of course, we do it properly.

Herewith, some suggested new monikers for some micro-sections of our too-fair city:

• NorthSouth: The strip malls, office buildings, and Park n’ Ride lot south of Northgate Mall.
• Squares to Curves: The strip of Fairview Avenue between the Seattle Times and Hooters.
• Yo! Town: The stretch of upper First Avenue populated at night by clubgoing frat boys spouting outdated “street” talk.
• Forge Town: The blocks of the Industrial District and east Georgetown occupied by metal sculptors who only exhibit their work at Burning Man.
• Scent-ury Square: The blocks on Fourth and Fifth avenues downtown where the air’s corrupted by the clashing, overbearing aromas of designer perfumes.
• Bored Walk: The sidewalks between LInda’s and the new Cha Cha on Capitol Hill, where the young and prematurely jaded trudge along and moan about how everything sucks.
• Bel-Red West: The new condo towers stuffed with Microsofties.
• Soul Meets Body: The stretch of southern Broadway dividing Seattle U from the Swedish Hospital complex.
• Brownsville: The stretch of Mercer Street near the Pacific Northwest Ballet school, patrolled by girls with hair dyed the exact same shade of tan.
• Ditch-Me Land: The bar strip in west Fremont filled at night by newly jilted singles trawling for a little rebound sex.
• Sanctimonia: The south Wallingford enclaves of the organic, the progressive, the macrobiotic, the clog wearers, and the bicycle-repair collectives.
• 420 to 520: The northern U District and Ravenna homes formerly occupied by gaggles of stoner housemates, now occupied by reverse commuters from the Eastside.