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WELL, DUH! DEPT.
Mar 24th, 2004 by Clark Humphrey

(via the Guardian): “MTV is no longer the home of ‘cool music.'”

PUBLISHING RIP? NO.
Mar 22nd, 2004 by Clark Humphrey

A PSEUDONYMOUS “Jane Austen Doe” has supplied Salon with a rather standard complaint about the trying times facing authors of non-bestseller books. It’s nothing I haven’t heard all my adult life; yet I’m re-entering the book biz this month.

Why? (Besides the whole quixotic bravery/foolishness of it all)?

Because I believe things don’t have do be as darned bleak as Doe says they are.

I believe in independent publishing. I believe in the success (within ups and downs) of Fantagraphics, McSweeney’s, Cometbus, and the like. So-called “midlist” books perhaps shouldn’t be marketed by conglomerate publishers, if the conglomerate publishers no longer know how to market them. They should be marketed by those who know how to nurture and build niche audiences for them.

SING THE NEWS
Mar 21st, 2004 by Clark Humphrey

MAKE UP LYRICS for your favorite local TV newscasts! Start by downloading the audio files. Then sing along.

THE WHINE IN SPAINE, CONTINUED
Mar 18th, 2004 by Clark Humphrey

Here’s some more detailed refutation of the US right-wing smear campaign against the new Spanish government. No, Fox News, Limbaugh, WSJ, et al., Francisco Franco is still dead.

DIY L&A
Mar 13th, 2004 by Clark Humphrey

CREATE YOUR OWN Law and Order plot!

BURNING SPEARS
Mar 10th, 2004 by Clark Humphrey

A LAS VEGAS REVIEWER describes the Britney Spears tour as “an unfocused bore of false sexuality, horrible songs, trite choreography, unfocused themes, and less ambition than a house cat that sits around licking itself all day.”

ANGUISH LANGUISH
Mar 10th, 2004 by Clark Humphrey

WE’VE COMPLAINED ENOUGH here about misspelled words (and even created a few of our own). Now here’s a list of the “100 Most Often Mispronounced Words.” Yes, “libary” and “nucular” are on the list.

SOUTHERN EXPOSURES
Mar 3rd, 2004 by Clark Humphrey

SOME PSEUDONYMOUS GENT has drawn up and annotated “A Californian’s Conception of the Continental United States.” State #5 (of only 14 total): “This is the state of Seattle unless you’re really wealthy, in which case it’s the state of Puget Sound. This is where Starbucks comes from. You’ll note that both Oregon and Seattle span the space between the west coastline and the I-5 corridor.”

THOSE CHEEKY BRITS…
Mar 3rd, 2004 by Clark Humphrey

…at The Guardian have got a Passion of the Christ review in Aramaic!

STERN WARNING
Feb 26th, 2004 by Clark Humphrey

SEE IF YOU CAN TELL whether Minneapolis columnist, conservative blogger, and retro-kitsch art-book compiler James Lileks is sincere or not as he comments on Howard Stern’s latest dirty-words controversy.

FUN WITH GOOGLE ADS
Feb 19th, 2004 by Clark Humphrey

I’M HAVING FUN seeing the text ads Google’s bots choose to put upon this page. The day after I posted some particularly anti-Bush stuff here, the ad box started offering T-Shirts to help you “show support for President Bush.” But then again, perhaps the ad bots are reacting the way some of you readers have reacted to my stuff over the years, and just assume I’m kidding when I’m really not.

THE REAL BOOBS
Feb 4th, 2004 by Clark Humphrey

Someone at Slashdot, in a comment that seems to have scrolled off the site, wrote:

“In a country where it’s okay to fry mentally ill people to death, let any eejit carry a gun, consume a huge proportion of the world’s resources and invade a country for dubious reasons, exposing a bit of human flesh is greeted with the sort of outrage that you’d think would be reserved for the end of the world.”

Of course, that’s the whole point. The right-wing sleaze machine loves violence (physical, verbal, emotional, etc.) and loathes sex (especially pleasurable, loving, or otherwise “girly” sex).

And the youth-marketing industry, which devised the Super Bowl halftime and most of the Super Bowl commercials, loves everything hard and “edgy” and hates anything soft and subtle. Faced with record-low TV viewership levels among the corporately-prized young male demographic, marketers are trying to outdo one another in vulgarity and desperation. It’s not that their audiences want this; it’s what they, the marketers, want their would-be audiences to want.

So, in the commercials, we got “jokes” about the following: A farting horse, little children saying a bleeped-out cussword, a wheelchair crash, a dog biting a man’s testicles, a talking monkey hitting on a woman, an old man beating an old woman, a football referee refusing to talk to a nagging wife, a man getting an unexpected bikini wax, and the very idea that a skinny man could love a heavy woman. All of these were just fine-‘n’-dandy with CBS and the NFL. (As were the two erectile-dysfunction-drug commercials, one of which included explicit language.)

In a further attempt to attract young nonviewers, CBS turned the halftime festivities over to sister company MTV. It staged a predictably rude and trite affair with mercifully short performances by has-beens Kid Rock, P. Diddy, Justin Timberlake, and Janet Jackson. Aside from Jackson’s reprise of the oldie “Rhythm Nation,” all the lyrics were about rude dudes boasting of their sexual-conquistadory prowess. Again, all that was OK’d in advance by all concerned.

Then, in the last dance move of the show, Timberlake (a mediocre dancer-singer known primarily for his write-ups in the gossip pages as the first boy to spear Britney) ripped open Jackson’s tear-away blouse and, officially “accidentally,” slipped her bra off as well.

This is far from the first “costume accident” on broadcast TV. (Remember Lucy Lawless’s rendition of the U.S. national anthem at a hockey game back in ’99?)

And CBS has been willing to show seminude women in recent years–as C.S.I. corpses, or as Chicago Hope hospital patients. And the network runs the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, but that’s all edgy and teasy, the way the Super Bowl was supposed to be.

But, like that other youth-marketing vehicle Maxim, rude-‘n’-crude’s OK, but pure physical beauty’s taboo beyond taboo.

Jeff Laurie at Sex News Daily claims the Jackson flash was newsworthy because “like most breasts, it’s scarce, and seeing it is getting a sneak peak at the forbidden fruit.” Uncovered breasts, of course, are far less scarce than they used to be. They’re in fashion magazines, in Oscar-winning movies, on Emmy-winning cable shows, and all over the Internet. But they’re not in “edgy” youth marketing, which is all about forever teasing and never pleasing.

And they’re not in the right-wing bombast culture, forever stuck in the sixth-grade notion that boys who like to blow stuff up are Real Men, but that boys who like girls are faggots.

So now we have, as a blatantly cynical election-year stunt, the Bush FCC promising a swift and thorough investigation into the incident; all while the Bushies keep stalling about 9/11, the Cheney energy plan, and the lack of real causes for invading Iraq.

What does it all prove? That in a supposedly sexed-up pop culture, one of the purest, simplest forms of sexual expression still threatens certain powerful interests–precisely because it threatens the premises of their power.

TODAY'S NEWAPAPER INSERT from Longs Drugs…
Jan 19th, 2004 by Clark Humphrey

…offers great deals on those two great tastes that taste great together–candy bars and diabetes test machines.

WHEN A FAST-FOOD CHAIN OUTLET closes,…
Jan 19th, 2004 by Clark Humphrey

…and mom-n’-pop operators take over, they’re “Not Fooling Anybody.”

ZIP IT, SCOTT!
Jan 2nd, 2004 by Clark Humphrey

Herewith, a short but snazzy list of our own Forbidden Words for 2004:

  • Bling Bling
  • Human shield
  • Spider hole
  • Bennifer
  • Bring ’em on
  • Snarky
  • Orange alert
  • Blogosphere
  • Oxy-Contin
  • pr0n
  • Metrosexual
  • Nicotini
  • Freedom fries
  • Flash mob
  • Governator
  • Punk’d
  • Shock and awe
  • Coalition of the willing
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