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GOD AS I UNDERSTAND HIM
December 12th, 1989 by Clark Humphrey

God As I Understand Him

Weird fiction piece by Clark Humphrey

12/10/89

GOD IS:

  • Lonely
  • Wet and Wild
  • Sorry to have made mosquitos, but too proud to say so
  • Not one to tell good cholesterol from bad cholesterol
  • Uncomfortable with being called “he” until more human languages have a personal neuter pronoun
  • About to lose the mineral deposits on Pluto in a bet
  • A much better dancer than you might think
  • Confused by all the furor over nude beaches, since “he” can always see everything anyway
  • About to perfect a truly superlative cheesecake recipe
  • Still buying vinyl records
  • Intense, really intense, but only when necessary
  • Not very excited about the new millenium
  • Capable of finishing a Tootsie Pop without biting
  • Capable of sex, but usually occupied with greater tasks
  • Showing Einstein’s scientific errors to him, only to get counter-arguments back
  • Still unwilling to take sides in Northern Ireland
  • Wondering how they get the creme filling in a Ho-Ho
  • Still hoping Garbo will make another picture
  • Bored
  • Unwilling to tell the total value of pi, even to friends
  • Trying to recall a way to have made the Earth without putting any uranium in it
  • Disappointed in what the Beatles did after “Revolver”
  • Fully aware of the contradictions in most religions, but that’s just how these things go
  • A “Honeymooners” fan, especially of the adoption episode
  • Refereeing a wrestling match between Zeus and Apollo
  • Able to leap in seconds across the Gemini constellation (which, from beneath, looks more like THREE people)
  • Just THIS tall in “his” most compressed form
  • Available in all styles and colors
  • Collecting every Basie record ever made
  • Commissioning a Shakespeare play about the Marcoses
  • The last romantic
  • A true night person
  • Still mourning the destruction of the library of Alexandria
  • Not at all responsible for George Michael
  • Only slightly responsible for Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • As vast and beautiful as America itself
  • Trying to show humans the vital medicines that can be made from horse pancreatic fluid
  • In stereo where available
  • Free to be you and me
  • Unconstrained by the restrictions of time, space, or jobs
  • Done for now with the empty thrill of creating life
  • Real gone
  • Dismayed at Barbara Cartland’s errors on human nature
  • Aware of ten women who could have been pretty good U.S. presidents, in the 19th century alone
  • So tedious when talking about the structure of flaxseed
  • Marrying Confucius to a late Caracas hotel barmaid
  • Fully cognizant of your prayers for world peace, but asking your patience until the right configuration of societies can be reached
  • Not ready for prime time
  • Very easy to shop for
  • Looking very relaxed
  • Terminally eternal
  • Able to see the past, present and future simultaneously, hence forbidden membership on the Stock Exchange
  • Largely non-malignant
  • Obsequious to Aphrodite
  • Fast, compact and virtually noiseless
  • Totally naked without a dinner jacket
  • Not at all sorry about crabgrass; it serves a vital function in nature, if humans could only learn to appreciate it
  • Fabulously freaky
  • A Jet all the way
  • Gnarly
  • Just a bit curious about how an evil thought might feel
  • About to live in the form of a west African ranch worker
  • An untranslatable pun
  • Quality, performance and dependability at a low price
  • On time, and under budget
  • Fairly sure “he” exists, but not too sure about you
  • Simply stunning in pink chiffon
  • Definitely NOT Elvis, and certainly not Eric Clapton
  • Faster and safer than a microwave
  • Planning to reincarnate Cantinflas in Hungary
  • Aware of many other planets with stupid TV, too
  • Resistant to heat, rain, oil, salt water, most chemicals
  • Ready to take your order on our toll-free lines 24 hours
  • Just impossible to talk to about politics or religion
  • User-definable
  • Ready to love you the way you want to be loved
  • The former baritone in one of the fake Ink Spots groups
  • Designed for the modern business user
  • Colossal, stupendous, and even mediocre
  • Wondering just how to create a truly unisex mammal
  • Out of context
  • Never undersold
  • Pure chewing satisfaction
  • An effective decay-preventing dentifrice when used in a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care
  • Realizing the final result of centuries of intense genetic research: A toilet-trained dog
  • Disgusted with all the communications satellites obstructing “his” view of the South Pacific islands
  • Mass rad
  • In love with Rita Hayworth and always will be
  • Quiet, almost too quiet
  • Ready to strike at a moment’s notice
  • In touch with “his” feelings
  • Fresh, hot and GOOD
  • Here today, tomorrow, next week
  • Tough without needing to prove it
  • Pro-social, with an original sound and look
  • An everyday part of life like sex, weather, and stale bread
  • A cheery, colorful addition to every home
  • Your gold, your precious silver, your power tools
  • On the line with us now from our Washington studio
  • Really very

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